... the dreaded conversation

When 'the' day comes...

Muddlehead has experienced it...im pretty sure im as abstract as always... :).. but thats why im the muddlehead... trying my best to pen or type down my feelings... hmmm.. anyways so this is the latest update.. two heavy dose conversation with mother dearest... and within 24 hours.. im really surprised how she manages to surprise, contradict, rationalise, empathise, obstruct, and justify all at the same time.. well this situation will explain how... so mum finally asks for the umpteenth time.. do you someone in mind.. and thats where the old muddlehead starts fearing the commitment question.. everytime the robotic answer is the same.. 'no'... but hey thats the outer layer... subconscoiusly its like yes mum i have found the perfect man... but no .. we dont have the same priorities as he outs it;p... heeheee.. sigh i wish men can be as honestly blunt in relatonships as they are when your completely platonic friends... and thjen the call us complicated;p.. waah waah;p... but anyways focus shifting .. so i tell mum dearest no i dont.. but suddenly the independence and getting back on my feet does shifts priorities.. ( they were always the same.. ;p).. a hope that just like im slowly trying to get back on my feet professionally .., i ll manage to get back in love... some may call it wishful thinking ... i call it believe, or the secret... but is the universe conspiracy... maybe the water currents will meet .. maybe they ll always cross and move ahead.. wishing they could be together.... sometimes i think im living that quote from 'Memoirs of a geisha'...

A story like mine should never be told. For my world is as forbidden as it is fragile. Without its mysteries it cannot survive. I certainly wasn't born to the life of a geisha. Like so much in my strange life, I was carried there by the current. 

Of course, my darlings you would ask.. why are you comparing yourself to a geisha?... well let me simplify... for any rational person this is a toxic relatipnship.. he doesnt say clearly what he wants... i want to be miles away from him.. yet when im with him its the perfectipn that kills me..;p.. it has its mysteries for we ll never.. actually correction i will never know where i ll stand... with him, ive been carried away with the currents.. fighting the tide, fighting the pressure,.. fighting my emotions.. though ive bec ome more practical and sensible that instinct refuses go... anyways i could go on and on about him

so where were we? oh yes.. so then the very next day mum says why dont you write about your feelings and post it to a paper.. that was really weird.. i meant what did she mean.. but wait there s more... why dont you write about you know being single .. you know the pressures, the beauties .. sharing your phase and moment in life.. heck thats too personal mumj comeon.. no one wants muddlehead and masterminds is it a love or a well confused saga in their paper.. ill be lucky if the mail ever reaches the sub edits rubbish bin;p.. heck am i actually thinking of this now;p;p;p... heeheee.. anyways maybe someday i will... and why not ,... is it wrong to be single when yopu actually do like someone... am i really moving on to stuck like glue to the memories ... or more importantly masterminds  ( i cant believe ive christened him mastermind;p)
(suits him though since what he says goes.. huh:() ... im concluding this by stating that the dreaded conversation is not what ive had with mum or with mastermind... its with myself.. what do you wnat muddlehead... do you wnat to continue going with the flow trusting your instinct or do you want toe be practical and try umpteenth number of time to kill it........................sigh will i ever know;p