confession 2- it is love

watching aisha.. made me think a lot of things that ive touched earlier... but yes on clarity as well..damn that was love.. maybe still is.. now what the hell do i do? i cant be verbal or it might f@#K up things.. or wont it.. why cant he say it.. it l be easier for me.. well love was never easy.. all this way it was right there in front of me.. one person who makes me smile.. who i cant even fight with... who im so comfortable with... who will enevr hurt me.. but well now what do i do... sigh! no saying it is not the option.. im not gonna say it.. it might be just a misunderstanding.. but this special feeling.. is it you? all this while.. right in front of me.. is it you.. now what do i do?

confession 2- it is love

watching aisha.. made me thinka lot of things that ive touched earlier... but yes on clarity as well..damn that was love.. maybe still is.. now what the hell do i do? i cant be verbal or it might f@#K up things.. or wont it.. why cant he say it.. it l be easier for me.. well love was never easy.. all this way it was rioght there in front of me.. one person who makes me smile.. who i cant even fight with... who im so comfortable with... who will enevr hurt me.. but well now what do i do... sigh! no saying it is not the option.. im not gonna say it.. it might be just a misunderstanding.. but this special feeling.. is it you? all this while.. right in front of me.. is it you.. now what do i do?

is the knight back on track?

Hmmm sometimes you wonder.. is my luck changing.. ? is the knight back on track? oh no.. he's not your typical knight i tell you.. he's someone with peace glowing from his face.. an aura of an angel.. a disguise of a player.. charm of an entertainer and love in the form of beautifully embroidered words.. yes he's the one.. who leaves a smile everytime i think of him... everytime i chat.. that happiness, that comfort and that stability fulfils me.. someone who gives hope with simple small gestures.. like a cocoon preparing a breathtakingly refreshing colorful butterfly.. haha im definitely corny tonight.. a bit refreshing though...... it seems that colour is coming back to my life.. it seems things might finally get clearer.. or maybe im simply able to enjoy a moment... this moment is you and me and im enjoying every bit of it...

relationships= what?

What defines a relationship........ any relationship.. No this time its definitely not a blog about a partner, or an-ex.. its about the relationships we r born with.. Im not implying immediate family... its the extended that ruthlessly touches... Why don't people mind their own business? Why don't they ever learn.....sigh.. well strangely.. its never bothered me what anyone says.. heck its their f@#$king lives.. and their shitty mouthes.. yes, im not refraining from the abusiveness.. but come on...... for once mind your own business... 

Sigh it does seem io contradict my own statement with the following one.. but hear me out... it seems i come back one night and the topic of the day is a strange phone call.. after desperate previous attempts that were left unheard... but the sarcyness associated with it did the damage.. or more specifically made me relaise i need to cut, sterlise and bury this extension.. it would cross my happiness, my goals my life.. so well im not escaping unlike my ex-bitter halfless half;p.. im facing it... with proud modesty.. and a smile for every brutal sarcasm that follows the black tongued words... ive made up my mind... its time to de-clutter people outta my life.................

Muddlehead prefers to declog her mind,, her heart and untangle such people from her life...... she is not feeding ego but justifying her beliefs.. 'if your good to me, i reciporcate.. if you dont well thats it.. if your nasty.. you simplu dont exist for me...... and are not worth the attention............decluttering this lot.. thats my aim for a week 

Playing Hard to Get

Three and a quarter relationships down

And yet I repeat mistakes.

Mistakes or just personality traits?

Old habits dies hard

Old longings linger longer

Sometimes they turn bitter

Rancid

Acidic

Most times they only grow more stronger

I hover haplessly on the borders

Gauging my strength-o-meter

Receding

In alarming redness.

You advice soundly

But my rational is broken

and already hanging by the threads

"Play hard to get"

is the hardest game to play

when your heart plays tricks

and a hardened heart stares

back with a glassy gaze;

perhaps

not even registering

its own undoings.

Yet its undoings it is not.

Because I know

deep down

The paths are strangely familiar

They have been traversed

and travailed over.

Mistakes repeated

or just an inability to break out?

Or is it just my old sane self

playing hard to get

with me?

drawing the line.........

Every instinct will be ignored,
every tear will be restored,
every feeling replenished.......
hope is shattered,
belief was time,
its opened my eyes,
its opened my mind
and finally opened my feelings
its time i let go.....
no wait its time and its finally gone..
no more hope, no more crossroads,
no more memories
no more acknowledgements
no more you
we crossed as strangers
we depart as strangers
its time to release you.............its time to enjoy this feeling
its time to say- 'i gave it that chance once more........... and thank god i did'
Never again, never again...
Coz i know now i won't regret this at all...........
Won't look back and feel remorse...
But move on and enjoy the flight
To new horizons i salute,
to new memories i swing
To new joys and happiness
to the newness that celebrates your absense
For as i release you, i erase you...
Every belief, every memory...

What you are.. you cannot change
a confused fable ... that will stick in his self created web.....
For I don't end this on any note.. I end it........
Adieos.. we shall never meet again or cross each others paths...
If we do.. we will behave as simply a mirage
only replacing the scorching sand..
rather than the soothing blues........


Goodbye my whatever, good bye acquaintance
You were never meant to be there... You never were there....
And now you shall not be welcomed.......
Ive drawn that path and now made the door...
The filth stays away and so do you..............
Whatever happens , happens for reason...
thank god you happened
for i would never know
the feeling of extreme hatred and pain.....
And now Ive burnt into ashes
And have sparkled the extravagant collage....
A collage of love, a collage of respect
A collage of belief and a collage of beauty........
I draw the line, I draw the landscape
I fill the colours I contribute the texture
And along with that I erase you.......................

when is it enough?

is it enough already when you shed the first tear.. or when there are no words left.. or even when your heart says thats not the one... what would be considered an 'ideal enough' situation...... sigh!maybe each relationship has different standards, lines and barriers to this terminology... yes, the no words bit does fit in the top 10 enough already situation but then that was never love... surprisingly there are times when a person looks for companionship, need, desire, compatibility or even just stability.. maybe these areas define and differentiate relationships and our ability to indulge or avoid them...

Maybe ive learnt it the hard way but yes an interesting observation , just when ever ive called it quits its held me back.. but surprisingly maybe its just stubborness maybe its just fate.. maybe its just faith maybe its just vulnerability... either i swing between mood swings or i swing between relationship.. but shocking as it seems its not a relationship that satisfies me but relationships.. coimfort of one, intellect of another, spontanity of one, calmness of the other.. will i ever be happy in one.. is debateful but yes im indeed a one-man woman.. maybe i still havent found him;p.. or maybe he's just not there.. perfection is not what i seek.. its that instance telling me he's the one...............no matter how foolish my heart is .. i know he's not the one.......... maybe this is what defines my understanding of 'enough'..............................

Just an inch further away from my reach

The last few days I've realised that over the years I've been so careful not to make the same mistakes some of my friends have made, that I've forgotten that one person's mistake is another one's dream... I've built myself shields of strength so strong that I've made my heart invisible to anyone except those who see me with those shields down. All my relationships have been ignited by natural disasters, emotional bereavement, loss, pain or simple devastation. Why do I have my shields up all the time? What makes me choose friendship over love? In the TV series Ally McBeal, Ally loses Billy, the love of her life several times, only to triumph with an army of friends. But she is lonely all the time. Thats just plain silly. Yet, I currently have an army of male friends poised to protect me from any man who tries to hurt me, and nobody to hurt me but them! How did I reach this place with so many gorgeous male friends who see me as nothing but a wingwoman or female bro? (ref: HIMYM)

Why do I become this butch, beer drinking, biker girl, metalhead around them and make them my friends when these are the good guys who I should be a regular yet unwhiny girl with? The guys who I should date...not befriend. Why do I push all the guys I meet into the friend zone and then wail about it?

The reason I say this is because today for the first time in my life I won a "romantic trip for two" kind of opportunity, and i have no "two" to take with me...I have a week to find the "two", but seriously??? Isn't this the time I run up to HIM and tell him I'd won US a trip for two with a big goofy delightful grin??

Confession- why love?

Muddlehead's been writing about love for a long long time now.. the weirdest is i have'nt actually experienced it being reciprocated... am i scared to even identify reciprocation ..and why does writing about love relaxes me... from being hopelessly in love to just not believing its existence.. how can someone write about it.. i mean isnt writing feelings an important form of expressing???
see for example i came up with this.........

.. the night's... a melody. the touch -- an Ecstasy.. the breeze-- the harmony.. your absense-- an irony..............

There was no breeze, no moonlight.. heck i didnt even have time to admire or even acknowledge night time. but when i wrote that i dont know.. how did i came up with that........

hmmmmm.. and thats not the only one... i mean yes there are times i write about my life, my experiences..nbut 90% is make-believe.. how can i write so passionately about love when i dont even believe in it...

the mystified complication

Hybridisation is touching everything.. food, animals, insects... blah blah blah.. even a simple word called 'complication'.. Heck as if there was'nt enough complication in applying the word complication to define complication.. uff its complicated..a simple phrase.. but here comes the tricky part..what does complication mean in relationships?.. does it mean .. say .. 'i am in a kind of relationship but i prefer not calling it that'

or maybe something like ' heck its just sex, but well she doesn't get the picture.. so as long as i'm getting itw hat the hell;p'..

or even ' i think i do want this but i definitely cannot commit so this way im in a win win situation'..

sigh we'l never know.. 

for me writing 'its complicated' would be well im a duffer who would'nt accept the fact that there's nothing but yet never move on...

what do you think ladies? is complication the new fashion or the best escapist route ever discovered...

Or more importantly are we ready to face the obvious?

Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with”

The instinct does agree with Gillian Anderson( X-files) quote.. but the mind definitely says naaa there's nothing in there.. 

mmmm.. i would rather uncomplicate and be single then resort to a complicated one.. a complicate one would simply be just an extension of one-night stands.. thats it...........

Brutal but a safely packaged comment.. hopefully...

but yes there was a time when complication mattered..now its a liveable statement.. no feelings, no expectation and no pains;p

... the dreaded conversation

When 'the' day comes...

Muddlehead has experienced it...im pretty sure im as abstract as always... :).. but thats why im the muddlehead... trying my best to pen or type down my feelings... hmmm.. anyways so this is the latest update.. two heavy dose conversation with mother dearest... and within 24 hours.. im really surprised how she manages to surprise, contradict, rationalise, empathise, obstruct, and justify all at the same time.. well this situation will explain how... so mum finally asks for the umpteenth time.. do you someone in mind.. and thats where the old muddlehead starts fearing the commitment question.. everytime the robotic answer is the same.. 'no'... but hey thats the outer layer... subconscoiusly its like yes mum i have found the perfect man... but no .. we dont have the same priorities as he outs it;p... heeheee.. sigh i wish men can be as honestly blunt in relatonships as they are when your completely platonic friends... and thjen the call us complicated;p.. waah waah;p... but anyways focus shifting .. so i tell mum dearest no i dont.. but suddenly the independence and getting back on my feet does shifts priorities.. ( they were always the same.. ;p).. a hope that just like im slowly trying to get back on my feet professionally .., i ll manage to get back in love... some may call it wishful thinking ... i call it believe, or the secret... but is the universe conspiracy... maybe the water currents will meet .. maybe they ll always cross and move ahead.. wishing they could be together.... sometimes i think im living that quote from 'Memoirs of a geisha'...

A story like mine should never be told. For my world is as forbidden as it is fragile. Without its mysteries it cannot survive. I certainly wasn't born to the life of a geisha. Like so much in my strange life, I was carried there by the current. 

Of course, my darlings you would ask.. why are you comparing yourself to a geisha?... well let me simplify... for any rational person this is a toxic relatipnship.. he doesnt say clearly what he wants... i want to be miles away from him.. yet when im with him its the perfectipn that kills me..;p.. it has its mysteries for we ll never.. actually correction i will never know where i ll stand... with him, ive been carried away with the currents.. fighting the tide, fighting the pressure,.. fighting my emotions.. though ive bec ome more practical and sensible that instinct refuses go... anyways i could go on and on about him

so where were we? oh yes.. so then the very next day mum says why dont you write about your feelings and post it to a paper.. that was really weird.. i meant what did she mean.. but wait there s more... why dont you write about you know being single .. you know the pressures, the beauties .. sharing your phase and moment in life.. heck thats too personal mumj comeon.. no one wants muddlehead and masterminds is it a love or a well confused saga in their paper.. ill be lucky if the mail ever reaches the sub edits rubbish bin;p.. heck am i actually thinking of this now;p;p;p... heeheee.. anyways maybe someday i will... and why not ,... is it wrong to be single when yopu actually do like someone... am i really moving on to stuck like glue to the memories ... or more importantly masterminds  ( i cant believe ive christened him mastermind;p)
(suits him though since what he says goes.. huh:() ... im concluding this by stating that the dreaded conversation is not what ive had with mum or with mastermind... its with myself.. what do you wnat muddlehead... do you wnat to continue going with the flow trusting your instinct or do you want toe be practical and try umpteenth number of time to kill it........................sigh will i ever know;p

Friends with Benefits.

Friends with Benefits? How beneficial and to whom? How 'friendly' do you have to be before you can be called a 'friend' with benefits? What are the limits and rules to it all? As you can see I am mumbling and stumbling through my thoughts. Let me explain.

Over the last 4 years, I've noticed that my male friends are increasing in numbers and my female friends are dwindling. I've asked all my friends various questions trying to make sense of this and one of them gave me a very blunt yet insightful answer. She said "You're being the male hogging bitch!". You can imagine my total horror... Apparently I'm the kind of girl who makes all the boys my 'friend' and hangs out with them and figures them out. Then I use their weaknesses to bond with them and BOOM they're my "friends with benefits". I thought "friends with benefits" got to have the cake and eat it too as mentioned in the earlier post... Does this mean I AM having the cake and eating it too and I don't even know about it?? That's not possible right? So alright I have the cake, I've got no issues with people going after it. That brings me to the next part of my confusion...

Suddenly, a lot of my sibling's friends, and their brothers seem to have 'discovered' me. All of a sudden this one guy insists on 'getting together' for dinner and "dess-err-t". I kid you not! He actually does the air quotes with his fingers and goes dess--errrr--t! I don't want any dessert with him of any kind, but its been a year of saying NO and he doesn't get it. He says that if I am hesitant because I have a boyfriend, that we can keep it a secret. I don't have a boyfriend currently and I don't want no dessert! Doesn't NO still mean NO these days?

OK. For a minute let us assume that I did go for dess-err-t with him. Do I then keep us a secret and continue in my search for a boyfriend? Do I call him for a booty call when I want to? Do I pretend there is nothing going on between us when we are with common friends? Are we allowed to ditch friends occasionally coz we were 'otherwise occupied'? What happens if the friends find out and more of them want to get on the FWB (friends with benefits) Wagon? How many FWBs can you have? Are FWBs allowed to be jealous about the amount of time you spend with one and not the other? Given the no strings attached nature of FWBs, why then would you look for a boyfriend? Why not just have several FWBs that you can go to according to the mental and physical requirements? The more I write this the more concerned I am that this sounds like some kind of low-esteem pimp house... That is completely off-putting!

Do any of you have any answers and theories on this?? Please untangle these thoughts!

Not in front of the men-- Confession 1:Can we eat the cake too..?

Muddlehead says:-
sigh writting about relationships is never easy.. every day we spend hours and hours talking, scrutinizing and solving relationships.. but at the same time manage to scramble it into a bigger problem.. and mind you its not limited to the fairer sex only...men do it too..so what if you were in a situation where you have your cake and want to eat it too? what do you do.. enjoy the sex and avoid the relationship bit?ive been pondering ovcer the thought.. can we truly enjoy the cake then? or do we turn it into a fungus infected dough????

So ladies what works for you?