The lost rat in the race...

sigh! its been 2 months .. well must be few more days extra as well... but this is still unsettling... i remember someone.. some random person saying this.. one feels old when change is not welcome.. heck is that what is happening.. everyday i long for my space.. knowing my dreaded spontaneity is the culprit.. everyday i remember the relations.. sometimes seeming  difficult to understand.. but mostly my strength.. gosh when will i grow up... am i still in this dilliusional cocoon.. why am i doing this.. what is the purpose.. what is my calling... where does my happiness lies.. i am at peace with myself.. am i at peace with myself.. instead of looking forward to change and new beginnings.. tears welcomed me to this ground reality.. it seemed.. it felt like this unsettling queasy feeling is to stay forever.. i reckon the city doesnt like me.. for its ways are beyond me.... surprisingly it wasnt the quest for success that got me here.. it was some random decision for change... for something new.. or actually just boredom.. heck i crip being a corporate victim yet continue to omit such crimes.. why ... coz money does make the world go honey.. but its not... its makingme more sadder , more lonely more lost.. with no time or luck by my side.. so easy to give up.. so easy to click it all away.. so difficult to survive.. but is it worth it.. thats where the ego comes in.. what am i doing... why am i doing.. and where the hell have i landed.. heck will muddlhead ever change????